my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
