If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
