Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
