i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
