there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
