He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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