Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
