ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
