Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
