OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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