it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
