i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize