last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
