I wish they made helmets for livers.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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