i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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