onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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