Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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