You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
