lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
