I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
