I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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