I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
