Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
