I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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