He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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