so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
