Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My penis needs a shock collar
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
