omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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