3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
