you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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