When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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