So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
