im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
