People in love make me want to vomit
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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