Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
