sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
