yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
