I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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