the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
