its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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