I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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