I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We need a shit load of segways right now
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
