he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
