I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
