i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
