if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
