and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How does one acquire holy water?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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