Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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