her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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