Whoa Z and x make the same sound
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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