not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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