I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
