I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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