I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
