Already got asked if we're dating
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
